Hi sister! Welcome back to another episode of a Taylored Adventure to Happiness. If you are new, welcome! If you are a regular, you know I love you!
I have an extra special treat for you today. My guest is none other than my husband Johnny Elsasser, joining me in a revealing Q&A covering juicy topics like sensuality, connection, communication, and keeping our sex life hot as a monogamous couple. We pulled questions from loyal listeners like you, and believe me, we didn’t hold back.
I’m so grateful to share my life with my husband and to be on a path of growth together. Relationships are how we grow and how we experience the world, through all of its ups and downs. A healthy relationship isn’t without challenges — romantic partnerships test us as much as they heal us. On such a profound journey, it’s important to have a partner who can join you in co-creating passion and play through the light and the dark.
If I could distill this Q&A into a single concept, it would be this: a great lover can be your partner in crime, your biggest cheerleader, and your most inspired teacher. When you can bring humor to awkward moments and understanding your differences, you’re in for an amazing ride. Let’s get started!
On What a Healthy Frequency of Sex Is
We’ve all read the statistics about this, right? It’s a question that comes up again and again in popular conversation. Flip through Cosmo or Men’s Journal long enough, and you’re bound to see the question: how much sex in a marriage is healthy?
Is it once a week? Twice a week? A few times a month? It’s tough to answer this question definitively, given that it depends on the couple. And we know that there are usually big differences in how much sex most men want and how much most women want. But is it all that simple?
The fact is, you have to look not just at how much sex you’re having but what kind of sex. Johnny answered this question first by explaining:
“I would say healthy means having quality sex. [This could mean] you guys are feeling really connected that evening, [or that] you guys had an amazing conversation and [are feeling] super aligned with one another energetically, and the sex is just absolutely amazing. … That one time that week could really be … a game-changer that fulfilled you guys as a couple.” – Johnny Elsasser
See, Johnny and I are both committed to sexual expansion. That means not just that we have fun and play (although we do that too), but also that we connect to higher forms of sexuality. So we bring tantra, spirituality, magical practices, and deep emotional connection into our sex life. That’s much different than what mechanical, unconnected sex is usually like — masturbating with the help of the other person.
If you’re having sex just to have sex, is it really that great? If you’re just doing it to release some extra tension, how is that working for you? Maybe you’re concerned about the numbers, and you try to squeeze in an extra time just because you think you need to. Is that bringing you closer together? Now, some people might say that men don’t need fulfilling sex as much as women do, but that’s not necessarily true.
“I appreciate more connected sexual encounters these days than I do just rolling over and having sex. … That’s not really fulfilling anymore because once you have that really connected stuff with your spouse or your partner, it kind of changes the game. Once you see it, you really can’t unsee it, and you know how much better it is. And then all of a sudden they last longer, and there are studies that have been done where … if you spend 20 minutes between like a four and an eight on sex and [don’t] actually [reach] climax … it’s considerably healthy for your body, neurologically, chemically, [and] everything. [If] you’re having sex for five minutes, you’re not getting a lot of those benefits, but if you go [for] 25 minutes, you’re receiving a ton of those benefits.” – Johnny Elsasser
This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t have sex like rabbits if you feel like it. There may be some weeks where you can’t keep your hands off of each other. There are other times where I, as a woman, am not feeling it as much. Johnny is very aware of the fact that my sexuality is a little more complex and nuanced than his. My desire fluctuates throughout the month, depending on my cycle. As a woman, I’m like a slow cooker — taking time and attention to warm up. Also, as a woman, my emotions and sense of safety and connection will influence how open I am to him. It’s essential to be aware of this. And hopefully, we also have partners who are receptive to this and willing to learn.
On an energetic level, tantra is a game-changer when it comes to understanding the power of sexuality and enjoying it even more deeply. Tantra teaches that our sexual connection also allows for energetic connection and alignment of the chakras specifically. Sex with a person who you are unaligned with can actually hurt your energy body. At the very least, it can waste your energy. Even climaxing — which is a release of energy — is seen differently. Letting your sexual energy build and build without a release is building your creative power. If you’re going to let go of that potent life force, it’s nice to know it’s in the right scenario.
On Supporting Each Other’s Personal Growth
Have Johnny and I always been on the same path as each other? No, absolutely not! In fact, when I met Johnny, he had a completely different mindset and lifestyle than me. No judgment, but his shower was filled with petroleum-based products, his kitchen was filled with plastic, and he definitely wasn’t reading the self-development content that he devours now.
The fact is, Johnny and I had very different life experiences when we met. I’d already hit bottom in my life and climbed my way out by acknowledging and working through my vulnerabilities. It’s those vulnerabilities — those wounds — that were actually the driving force behind my evolution. On the other hand, Johnny had been in a military special operations unit from a young age. This presented an incredibly powerful, even cosmic life experience for him, but not one that encouraged developing one’s whole self:
“I’d been overseas doing really crazy [stuff] since I was 18 years old. So … I had a big chip on my shoulder about listening to people or reading specific books … about self-development and things like that. I didn’t want to hear any of it. Because at the end of the day, I thought [that] people [who] were using self-development [techniques] were weak-minded people.” – Johnny Elsasser
That’s not an uncommon view in our world, especially in a masculine-focused culture that values a need to be in control at all times. Yet I saw something innately powerful and mystical in Johnny. It’s a paradox — we’re not always going to find someone who is as deeply into personal growth work as we are. Yet, that’s an important factor in choosing a mate. So, what do we do about it?
Well, first, we have deal-breakers. We don’t always need our partner to practice manifestation techniques, get down with astrology, or dive into sex magic with us. But of course, we should seek those who have similar values such as having kindness and concern for the environment or similar traits such as self-awareness and compassion. I’m convinced that Johnny was born “switched on” with an inherent self-awareness and a mystical point of view that he might not even have described as mystical when I met him.
All the other stuff can be managed. I’m not afraid to say that I had a hand in encouraging Johnny’s development and that we laugh about it now.
“Taylor … did her tricks. One of the things I tell people all the time now is to do ‘psychological operations’ [on people]. And that’s what she did to me. She would throw me a book and say, ‘Hey, I think you should really read this. You’d really like this. This guy writes really well.’ … And I’d be like, ‘Yeah, whatever, put it down.’ But then two months later, I find myself reading it, and I can’t put it down.” – Johnny Elsasser
When you know someone can benefit from information, it’s hard to hold back from sharing it with them. Haven’t we all been ecstatic about some new idea or person and wanted to share it with everyone? And don’t we all have a friend, family member, or lover who we just know would respond beautifully to some new healing technique or lifestyle change we’ve learned about?
But you might have noticed that most people don’t like being lectured to (would you like it?). So I find it’s best to gently present information in a non-intrusive way. This is also especially important when dealing with men:
“I’d be cooking her dinner, and she would just be like, ‘Hey, I’m going to throw a podcast on.’ … So she’d throw a podcast on … And I’d be like, ‘Oh, wow, this is actually really good information.’ And she’d be like, ‘Yeah, I think you’d really liked this guy. He seems to have a really cool background.’ … So she kind of appealed to [my] masculine nature of needing to respect the guy before I listened to [him]. And when she did that, I realized I kind of liked the content. All of a sudden, I found myself starting to listen to those podcasts on my own.” – Johnny Elsasser
It worked really well, and it was also a pleasure for me to do. I would pre-vet books and episodes to make sure that what I was presenting was just one step ahead of where he was. You always want to expand, but you don’t want to jump ten steps ahead. So I would put an episode on about basic money mindset and scarcity consciousness — which is the understanding that our beliefs around prosperity come from our upbringing and how those beliefs affect our finances. I wouldn’t have put on an episode about manifesting a six-figure business at that time. I focused on small steps.
Also, I never ever did it from a place of lecturing, parenting, or being condescending. It was more about sharing information that could help, whether it was a documentary, a book, or a podcast.
“If your male partner is not on the same path as you … don’t put an expectation on when they’re going to find their own journey. They have to come to their own realization that that’s what they want to do. You can’t force them to do it. So as soon as they make that decision, they’ll start to go all in.” – Johnny Elsasser
At the same time, I want to acknowledge that if it’s been years since you’ve gently nudged your partner in this direction and they still haven’t gotten the hint, you might want to have a deeper conversation. That is — if it’s a dealbreaker for you that your partner is on a growth and self-development path.
It’s also important to acknowledge that this goes both ways. Johnny had a huge leg up on me when it comes to communication. He is and has always been a great communicator, whereas I used to literally leave conversations that got difficult, vulnerable, or scary for me. I’ve learned a lot from him, and I’m grateful that I have him as an example.
On Sensual Connections, Rituals, and Routines
As a married monogamous couple, finding ways to incorporate pleasure into our lives is key. It’s easy to get wrapped up in mundane, everyday habits. Establishing routines that connect you to your body and your sensuality enhances your capacity to experience bliss on a daily basis.
One easy hack? Make your bedroom a sensual sanctuary. This isn’t necessarily related to sex. It’s more about setting the expectation to experience your bedroom as a place where your mind, body, and spirit relax automatically. Johnny and I do this by making sure that the bed is made and our bedroom is clean before we head there for the night. We turn out any bright lights, switch to candles or LED lights, have tea, and turn off electronics. These are simple, small habits that have a big impact on our ability to be sensual with each other if we want to.
When we do have sexual experiences, we’ll often use an amazing Tantric technique called “The Bubble.” It’s also a great tool to use before a deep conversation or when you’re sharing difficult emotions such as triggers. The point is to create a totally safe, sacred space to connect in.
First, we bow to each other before sitting face-to-face, looking into each other’s eyes. We then both envision creating a bubble around us. Johnny will create the bubble on my side, and I will create the bubble for his side, and we both imagine we are entirely enclosed in a giant sacred bubble of light that extends all around us and is anchored to the earth.
Next, we choose and share out loud what we want to take out of the bubble. So I might choose to take out stress, fear, or insecurity, and I imagine it leaving. Johnny might say that he wants to let judgment and worry leave the bubble. We then bring what we do want in. We reach our hands outside and summon what we want, such as joy, love, or connection.
It gets really fun after this, as the next step is to bring in an imaginary gift for each other. It could be something like a magic wand that grants sexual wishes. Johnny might tell me that the wand can grant me whatever I desire, and vice versa. I might gift him an imaginary bouquet of flowers that celebrates him and how amazing he is.
Finally, we finish by expressing how we see each other in positive ways. We say things like, “I love your beautiful chin. I love your cute little nose. I love your luscious mane,” and we keep going back and forth. We do this for a while until we’re ready to have our conversation or share our emotions or connect intimately. It’s beautiful.
How about you, sisters? What routines do you use to incorporate sensuality into your life? What rituals do you rely on to create safety and connection in your relationships?
It’s Time to Level Up Your Intimate Relationship
Johnny and I are so grateful you’ve chosen to spend time with us. We love being an inspiration, and we’re excited to spark conversation around these important topics.
Do you have a conscious man in your life? Johnny has his own amazing show The Art of Masculinity Podcast. In addition, he’s holding a badass retreat this October called The Wild Man Experience. Combining special ops-inspired tactical training, authentic relating, and bonding with amazing brothers, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
If you enjoyed this episode, don’t hesitate to let me know! Tag Johnny, @johnny.elasser, and me, @iamtaylorsimpson, on Instagram with a screenshot of the episode and your greatest takeaways.
I love you. I see you. Cheers to love, romance, and amazing sex. And remember — Always choose happiness because, well, why the fuck not?
In Today’s Episode You Will Learn:
- Signs that show you’re misaligned and how to realign with your life
- What makes us want to adopt vs creating our own children
- Some fun ways we keep the sparkle in our sex life
- What we use instead of birth control and learning to balance your hormones
- Our different types of intuition and what that looks like
- Where our income comes from and how we create abundance
- What building a healthy sex life in a relationship looks like
- The difference between having sex vs connecting in a deeper level
- Navigating through being on separate journeys
- Some ways to encourage your partner to start their self-development journey
- What sparked our individual awakening and how you can spark yours
- Things and rituals we do to create a sensual environment in our bedroom
- Ways to re-spark your sex life if it’s gone stale in a long relationship
- Are we monogamous and our take on it in our relationship
Connect with Johnny: