Q&A: Our Sex Life, Triggers and Insecurities: Episode 207


Hi sister! Welcome back to another episode of a Taylored Adventure to Happiness. If you are new, welcome! If you are a regular, you know I love you! 

As always, I’m so psyched to bring you tips on rewiring your brain for success so you can truly start living a life that is #AbudantAF. I can’t wait to inspire you to grow spiritually and manifest all the abundance and joy you can dream of and deserve! 

Sister, do you want your relationship to be as high-vibe as possible? It’s such a beautiful thing when both partners in a relationship are aligned and seeking abundance together. 

But of course, life gets complicated, and that alignment isn’t always there. It’s so important to be able to communicate and get back on the same page so you and your partner can ascend together to higher frequencies. 

That’s why today I am bringing you a guest that I would spend the rest of my life with because he’s so fucking hot and amazing. Okay, you guessed it — it’s my incredible husband, Johnny. Today, we answer your burning questions about our sex life, our triggers and insecurities, and everything else you guys asked on Instagram — nothing is off limits here! 

Throughout this fun Q&A, Johnny and I get deep and real with you guys. I’m so excited for you to tune in on this and hopefully have some powerful takeaways for your relationships or future relationships! So let’s get started, shall we?

A Bit About Johnny and How We Met 

Before starting the Q&A, I’m going to tell you a bit about Johnny so you can visualize the sexy beast behind the microphone. I want you to see a little bit of the world he came from and why he is so passionate about helping men move through their insecurities.

Growing up in Fresno, Johnny was raised to be a hard worker. He started out by working on cars and detailing airplanes before heading to the military: 

“I got into the military at 17 years old … and went to special operations. In special operations, I did four combat tours overseas with the U.S. Army Rangers and then got out of the military, just thinking that I’d do something a little different. I signed up for doing protection overseas and spent another five years in the Middle East protecting the U.S. ambassador to Iraq” – Johnny Elsasser

That’s just a humble way of saying he was a badass. Johnny is humble, but he held physical space and energy in an amazing way in his time with the army. I have an intense fear of him dying, so knowing him during that time would have absolutely terrified me! 

After returning home from Iraq, he started working in the federal government. He is currently trying to get out of that job so that he can tap into his creative vortex as a full-time entrepreneur. Here’s the part where he met me! 

We actually met at the gym. As the Leo that I am, I approached him because he would never give me attention. So I went up to him and asked where his headphones were from. Spoiler alert — I was definitely not in the market for headphones. 

From then on, we went from friends to more-than-friends, and here we are today! On the first date, I laid everything on the table. I asked him, “Can you handle this? Do you want to be a part of this?” Sister, you know how I am. I’m a fucking open book. 

I was vulnerable about everything. From that moment on, we set up the communication standard that was necessary to handle all of the baggage that comes with two humans being in a relationship. 

That baggage includes the “triggers” that we both have for each other, which leads us to the first question I want to discuss: “How do you grow from each other’s triggers and when your partner triggers you? (e.g. your partner is constantly on the phone)” This was a great question, and led to a beautiful discussion that I want to share with you! 

How to Respond When Your Partner Triggers You

Sister, everyone has triggers. It’s a part of life to have things that come along and fuck up your peace. And it’s often the case that those things come from the one closest to you — your partner. So what do you do about it? 

An example of this happened just the other day! One of the things Johnny does that triggers me is when he gets overprotective of our cars. We both have nice cars, and when we park in parking lots and get back to the car, Johnny is very judgmental if someone parks too closely. He scopes the car for scratches, and it generally drives me crazy. 

It’s a regular thing. When it happened recently, I needed space, and I shut down during the car ride home. Then, we communicated about it. I told him that it was very unsexy for him to react that way and that I would appreciate it if he worked on it. He affirmed that and is working on it! 

Of course, there are things that I do that trigger him. But instead of letting them fester and continue to bother him, he communicates them to me. Talking about your triggers with your partner is critical. By communicating, you can both work on avoiding each other’s triggers and also learn from them: 

“You gotta really communicate about it … you have to share how that makes you feel. I know that about Taylor. When she tells me how she feels about something, it teaches me to say, ‘Okay, let me step back.’ Why did I do that? It makes her feel this way. How do I fix that myself? … I think women like to actually hear how we [men] feel because we’re so guarded … So I would say that would be your key to learn. It’s communication, but mainly, in my opinion, it’s your tone and your feelings. Those are the two things that are really gonna make it either a growth moment or a fucked up moment.” – Johnny Elsasser 

Johnny hit the nail on the head with that one. Things get cleared up when we both communicate about our triggers and how they make us feel, being careful of our tone. 

When he triggers me, I also like to look inward and ask myself, “Why is this bothering me? Where is this coming from?” For example, Johnny really wants the kitchen to be consistently clean. But it is actually a huge trigger for me when he cleans the kitchen. When I looked inward, I found out why this was! 

It is rooted in the fact that my dad would always clean the kitchen in a very toxic and angry way, throwing things around and yelling. So it’s still a very deep trigger, and I have a lot of healing to do around that. But understanding why it bothered me and talking to Johnny about it made a huge difference in my reaction. 

Sister, I challenge you to do the same. Look inward and see where the trigger is coming from. Then, talk to your partner about it so that they can understand that you’re not making it about them. 

Instead, you’re letting them know about something you are working on! You’ll both be so much better off for it and more comfortable with each other. That level of comfort will also help improve your sex-life, which is the next question on our list to answer!

The Sexy Stuff: How to Keep It Spicy When Life Gets in the Way  

Okay, let’s face it — the general busyness of life doesn’t necessarily lend itself to you and your partner having incredible sex all the time. Maybe it’s your work-life keeping you busy into the late hours of the night that prevents you from being intimate with your partner. Or maybe you just feel fucking gross. The question for us was, “How do you keep it spicy when you don’t feel sexy at all?” And Johnny and I definitely have answers for that one! 

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt unattractive. Anyone? Everyone? Okay, sounds about right. We all feel gross sometimes, and that mentality makes it difficult to want to have sex. But that doesn’t mean it’s off-limits! 

If your partner can be aware of how you feel about yourself, they can do things to fix it! Johnny can always tell when I’m not feeling attractive, and he knows exactly what to do to turn that around: 

“I know when she’s not feeling sexy. I can tell just a lot of times actually through her energy, surprisingly. I can tell when she’s not feeling sexy and attractive, but I know certain ways to spice it up … [for example] if I massage her in the evening. Doing little things for her and not expecting reciprocation … that turns her on.” – Johnny Elsasser

Johnny knows precisely what I need to feel sexy, and he can spice things up by simply doing small acts with intention, such as a massage. I also know when he’s not feeling good about himself, and I will try to combat this by giving him more hugs and more love, reminding him of how sexy I think he is. 

Sometimes it’s as simple as affirmation and small acts of love to spice things up! Also, it’s essential to know that you don’t have to have sex every day to have a great sex life. After all, sex goes beyond the physical act. It’s about your connection and communication throughout the day. 

Obviously, sex itself is an incredibly important foundation, but feeling the pressure to have it every day causes guilt if you don’t! That guilt fosters judgment, and then you go down a spiral of negativity that is entirely unnecessary. 

Johnny also addressed the important fact that there are going to be different seasons in your life. Some will be filled with more sex than others, and that’s okay!

“You’re going to go through seasons in your life. That’s just what it is. You’re going to be busy. He’s going to be busy. People are going to be drained … You have to understand that you can’t base your life at a certain level all the time. You have to understand that those seasons are where you need to figure out what’s going on and address that as opposed to thinking, ‘It always has to be one way.’” – Johnny Elsasser. 

Shocker — it all goes back to communication! If your sex life is lacking, talk to your partner about why this might be. Are you both exhausted from your jobs? Is something else draining your energy? Or is it a problem between you two that you need to sort out? Talking about it is the only way to figure it out. Hopefully, a good massage might work some things out.

Why You Should Go Listen to This Johnny Elsasser Podcast Episode Right Now!

Sister, Johnny and I had so much fun answering your questions. Go listen to the podcast to hear the rest of them! We answer the questions of whether we keep our finances separate, how we apply the lessons we have learned from our past marriages, the one thing we would be nervous to admit about our relationship, and so much more. 

If you guys love this and want us to pick a certain topic and dive deeper, we are an open book! If you learned something that might help you and your partner, please don’t hesitate to screenshot this and put it on your Instagram stories! You can tag me @iamtaylorsimpson and also tag Johnny @johnny.elsasser

I’m also going to take a minute to talk about what Johnny has to offer because he’s too humble to talk about it himself. He is a masculinity coach for men. So if you need to work with your husband and you and your partner could utilize Johnny’s expertise and guidance, please DM him! 

He also has a podcast that is geared towards helping men called The Art of Masculinity. I would highly recommend to just happen to be playing it in the car with your partner who maybe could use a little bit of masculine/feminine love. And it’s not just for men! It’s also for women who might want a little bit insight into what their partner is thinking — a different perspective into what’s going on inside his head! 

Remember, I love you. I see you. Be sure to communicate with your partner so you can both better understand each other on your journey to living a life that is #AbudantAF! And always choose happiness because, well, why the fuck not?


Key Takeaways: 

+ Did you adopt your niece?
+ Things that trigger each other and how to manage them
+ When are you having babies?
+ How to stay on the course when you are both in your own individual growth journey?
+ Are you also an entrepreneur? (for Jhonny)
+ What´s one thing that you´re nervous to admit about your relationship?
+ Can you give your thoughts on birth control-contraception?
+ What´s it like for him that you make more money?
+ How do you have time for regular sex: schedule or spontaneously?
+ After prior marriages, how do you take what you learn and apply it to your relationship right now?
+ Do you feel like sex is necessary every day for a good marriage? (NO, NI MERGAS! XD)
+ How do you keep it spicy when you don´t feel sexy at all?
+ Do you combine or keep separate your finances?